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Issue Date: October 2006

My name is teenslut14 and you are screwed!

1 October 2006

Surprise! Yes, it is me you have been having all that online fun with over the past few months. Sorry about sending you the wrong photo, I thought the one you have was much better looking. How is your wife, by the way? She sent some very depressing e-mails to her mother recently, I do hope she is feeling better. Depression is such a debilitating disease, one must be careful.
Confused? It is quite simple really. If you actually used your brain while online you would possibly have avoided opening the pictures and cute little programs I sent you and consequently would have avoided providing me with full access to your computer - do you know where your kids are surfing? Exercising a little more control might not be the worst thing you could do.
Oh, and when you and I did all that instant messaging on your work laptop, you gave me access to lots and lots of information your colleagues probably wish you did not. What an interesting bunch of middle-aged men you work with. Did you show them my 'picture'?
Being infatuated with a few pixels you decided matched your fantasy, I assumed you would not be inclined to backup your system, so I did it for you. No do not thank me, what else would an online girlfriend do? I noticed your financial spreadsheets were not protected in any way so I had a look. I never knew all those things were accepted as business expenses.
And here was I thinking you sent me the naughtiest pictures of yourself. Was the wife out for the evening when you took the Superman shots? You probably would not want me to send the 'action' pictures to your colleagues on the board or the group of friends you are having lunch with next Sunday after golf - what a busy schedule you have. Not to worry, I have zoomed in so it looks much more impressive - the joys of digital photography.
Of course I will not send them, but in lieu of the entertainment factor I have to give up in not sending the pictures I have transferred a trivial amount from your bank account to mine. Actually I set it up as a monthly transfer, you will hardly notice it and I have a Woolworths account to pay off. Could you also sponsor my ADSL account, you can also write it off as a legitimate business expense?
I hope you do not think I am being forward but it seems HP no longer has need of my services so I have had to apply my skills to a new line of work. One has to pay the bills somehow now that espionage is no longer considered an in-house function in large multinational corporations. I mean think about it, costs have been cut and lunch is no longer the 3-hour occasion it used to be, so what is a chairman supposed to do if spying is not allowed?
Andrew Seldon

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